Multitasking

While /<< keeps talking about how ppl find him looking younger than his actual age, i get sad thinking and actually knowing how old i have been looking. All those stress, late nights and work (school, design, prudential, blogstores).. How can i ever have stayed looking young? I used to be such a baby face.. after all these years of slogging thru late nights studying as i have to work in the day or something, how possible is it to even just look my age?

VS seniors who have seen me recently sad i aged a lot. That really saddens me.

With all the awkwardness and even coldness going on at home, and an empty bank a/c, i really have been thinking about what the hell exactly have i been working so damn hard for.

Family, Friends, Fame, Fortune, Boyfriend.. Wat?

So, I really want to make money.. save up, and get an apartment on my own. I set to celebrate my 30th birthday in my very own apartment. 5 years (with this year inclusive). Dun get me wrong. I still love my family. Its just, they haven't came to accept me yet. I duno if it really is so selfish and too much of me to expect them to accept me, but, if they do love me, they should. But then again, it is also that they love me hence their reactions. I duno. Life's a mess now. Rachel, Ron and Alicia subsidised me for a DVD player, and the Prudents (current and ex) got me a bluetoth mouse that i pretty much love. The thing about the DVD player is, the situation at home is so not optimal that i even feel guilty about upping the entertainment, leisure, enjoyment factor in my very own room. Cuz apparently it seems to Yan that my life isn't miserable enough to be described as that by me.

The only sweet thang was that /<< gave me a pretty nice surprise for my 26th bday and for our 1st anniversary. Not bad really, my 2nd longest r/s thus far..

Looking at Jimmy and Yann's cosy nice 'East End' could bring me to tears..of envy and more envy.....

Swamped with commitments and responsibilities in the many areas (sch, design, and more design, prudential, the hattys, luminurz, family, /<<, forex).. I was falling apart. But now, the goal: 30 @ my very own...

Pulling everything back together.. move on, head on.

GOD

Actually, wat i have been troubled and even disgusted about is the above-mentioned.

He is my Father too. So, whatever i said about my parents and siblings apply to Him as well.

No offence to anyone or any religion.

NOT marrying women

Yan said i should keep to my promise if i did promise not to bring him back anymore. but, have i ever, EVER promised i'll be straight, i'll get married to a woman? What sort of mindset did my parents have when they brought me up? What made most parents bring up their children with the expectation that they would become great scientists, lawyers, millionaires, and that they will be married to the opposite sex regardless of whether those 'mainstream' marriages would be happy ones or not?

Should i have made it clear to them that i'm not going to be what they expect of me by flunking my exams and turning stray, getting into bad company, not caring about my ties with the family? Would that be easier for them to accept that i'm GAY? Since i'd have been a hell of a son and brother anyway.

I've been trying to please most ppl, at least to those that i myself care for. But no one in my family is treating me and loving me for me at all. They want me to be their loving, sensitive, fillial, successful, good, doting son, brother, uncle BUT they freak out and threatened to turn their backs on me when they realised, i'm all the above EXCEPT that i'm GAY.

Kill me already. Kill me.

Family - What?

would it be better that i haven't been so nice and close to them at all from the start?
 
 
be an unfillial son so that they won't be disappointed when they find out i'm gay?

mum wants to abort me.

2nd sis is rejecting my life.

i've been a nice son and brother (at least to my eldest sis and elder brother)

does being gay change who i am?

but this is exactly who i am, the real me.

they have expectations of me, and feel i'm indebted to them for me life.

so should i die for them?