Lasting love exists in my abandoned heart...

I've always said i'll back track and write on wat has happened. Now i really realise there's no way back to anywhere.

Even if its a place, that same spot. Once u leave that spot, and return to it, its never the exact same spot again. In fact as u stare at it, it is changing.

Change is inevitable. And for 2 years 5 months, X and I had countless arguments over it. Should couples change for each other? Compromise is part and partial of life, and even more so in a relationship. When X says we should not change foe each other, i know X doesn't love me anymore, for only a person who doesn't love u would take that compromisation as a forced-change.

My buddy, Dot, checked out the girl, Y, that X likes on friendster which linked to Y's blog. On it was a message for X. "Very lasting Love is no longer there , light it up again, or else stop pumping oil into it!"

I knew she must have had been of some influence to his decision. The very night, 2 nights before departure for Bangkok they, together with other classmates supposedly, went on a fishing trip. And he told me they'll stay the night out there. My instincts told me there's something going on. That was the crucial night to our relationship other than the night of 11 June 2003.

Tried as i did to treat X like a normal fren, but i couldn't help but try pushing through his tough wall to re-enter to his circle of love. He did not budge and said i'm not ready to meet him for movies yet as i've yet to settle down, not ready to treat him as a normal fren. And he had to add in the line that Y told him she likes him but just not ready for a relationship. That fell on my ears like acid on my heart. As they were spending the week on Pulau Ubin on an art exchange camp, I let my mind went wild imagining Y to be in that circle.

Over friendster, in reply to my message, Y told me she treats X just like a brother. So i figured he must have been lying to me about it. Why? I wonder..

I asked X if enjoyed the Ubin stay and stupidly also if X had thought of me while being there. X said 'No.' 'What about when cycling?' (i taught him to cycle) 'Got la, and I really enjoy cycling without you. I enjoy the freedom riding without you. And strangely, i ride more confidently when you're not riding with me. With you around i tend to rely on you more, so no confident. I could cycle up the slopes without staggering nor crashing into trees.'

What had i done to make him rely on me? My fault? X said 'No. Its just the way you treat me. Like a parent to his child. And i dun like that.'

And today, i wondered, if i trat Dot the same way as well? Our manager, Bee Keng has requested Dot stay back to study and so i accompanied her. After dinner, carrying a bag of tidbits and chocolates, we entered the study room at about 6.15pm. Settled down and she whipped out her crunchie bar and started chewing away. I wanted to remind her to be serious and make use of the time staying back to do constructive studying but i held back, thinking she might get angry. 7pm, she exclaimed 'Oh no. 7pm already and i haven't started.' I said, 'Ay, i wanted to remind u to dun play, study, but scared u angry.' And tada - Dot:'Ayo, cannot wait a bit meh. You really very naggy leh." She said all that in a fed-up and nasty tone.

I had nothing to say. She is the 2nd person to complain my nagginess. Nothing to say. All is confirmed. I'm naggy and it grips ppl by their neck and suffocates them. Yet i dunno what i have done. As her study partner, i tot i had the responsibility to remind her to study. I tot, i assumed, i tot too much of myself. Who am i to say anything to anyone? Everyone seems to be independant and there i was, thinking they need my help, my reminding, my nagging. I led her to the insurance stint and i didn't want failure to get her, that's my objective.

I must have been too full of myself to think that ppl need my help. I dunno what to do anymore. Just stand by and watch maybe.

The cooling, chilly weather today had added to my sorrowness. After the confirmation from a 2nd nagged party, i went to the staircase and sat down. The wind was great. The song was apt. Hen Xiang Ni by Z Chen. And for the first time my tears fought thru my busy schedules to slide down my cheeks. I sat there and hugged myself in the black jacket X bought for me...

I'm not angry with Dot. I'm not. The incident confirmed the whole scenario for me. How can i fault her for it? I can only lament myself for thinking too highly of myself. Now i know..no one in this whole needs reminding. All have minds of their own. So why mind them at all?